"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
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Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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