I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
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I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
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Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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