i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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