Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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