I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Everyone says I win the strip club
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