why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
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Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
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Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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