The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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