i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
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he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
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I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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