Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize