I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize