So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
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I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
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How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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