my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
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Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
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Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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