I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
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But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
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I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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