my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize