watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
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You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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