I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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