just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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