I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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