u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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