my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
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I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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