My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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