We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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