Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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