I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
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i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
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I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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