Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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