I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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