I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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