My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
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You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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