i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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