I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
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He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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