That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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