I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
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hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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