I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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