I think I am morally bankrupt
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
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ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
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Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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