I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
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i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
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I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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