Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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