I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
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so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
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She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Holy sore nipples Batman
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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