i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
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New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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