The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
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I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
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Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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