My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
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I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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