I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
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would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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