I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize