I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
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I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
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Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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