I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
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I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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