how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
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The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
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The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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