my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
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My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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