she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
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The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
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He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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