ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
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He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i out mim tonsoeep
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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