I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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