The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
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You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
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I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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